When your child starts kindergarten the week before his fifth birthday, sometimes you tune the teachers out when they talk about how he can be a “handful” or that he seems to “talk a lot” and can “be a distraction to his classmates.” You explain it away. You know, his dad and I were divorced just after his first birthday. He seems to have grown into being the clown in our family and is constantly trying to make us laugh. He just wants to have fun in school.
But then you notice that as the years go, things become more troublesome. In first grade, he was difficult for a teacher that I thought actually just needed to retire because maybe she had been doing it too long. In second grade, his sweet teacher told me about how he liked to draw on his assignments instead of completing them. His grades started to be affected by his lack of attention or the ease at which he became distracted.
So, his second-grade teacher and I talked for hours on the phone about how maybe a positive reinforcement system would be best. And it worked….for a while. Until he went back to drawing on his assignments or getting into trouble for talking to other students when they should’ve been working. Because he started school just before his fifth birthday, I contemplated holding him back a year. Maybe he just needed to mature a little bit before he continued on in his education.
In third grade, the behavioral issues became a bigger problem. They tried moving him to different tables until separating him from his classmates was the only option left. He was not following directions given by teachers and other administrators.
Again, I struggled with whether or not holding him back a year would be his best option. And then at the suggestion of a friend,I started researching ADHD and behavioral issues. I talked to our pediatrician and was referred to a psychologist. After extensive testing and meeting with her just so she could observe and interact with him, we were diagnosed with ADHD in the spring of 2018. Finally! So, we met with our pediatrician with the diagnosis in hand, and started on a stimulant medication. While he wasn’t in school, he was going to summer camp at the YMCA so we would see how things went. I remember thinking we finally had an answer and now the classroom issues would resolve themselves when school started back because we had it all figured out.
WRONG.
Fourth grade started and right out of the gate, things seemed perfectly fine. He had good behavior reviews the first two or three weeks…and then the bottom fell out. He was getting demerits for not obeying the rules set in the classroom by his teachers or by school administrators. So, we increased the dosage of the medication two different times. And then he developed a tick from adjusting to the second increase, so the pediatrician suggested removing him from this medication and trying another one. Great! Maybe this would fix it all.
WRONG.
While this medication got rid of the tick he developed from the first one, and it seemed to last longer, any form of sugar only seemed to decrease the effects of the medication. So, we attempted to cut out any red dye when possible. We cut back on the sugar intake he was allowed, while also taking into consideration that he is a child and I didn’t want to rob him of all experiences to enjoy himself. The demerits continued, and he received his first write up on the school bus for not following the instruction he was given by the bus driver.
Helpless. Concerned. Frustrated. Disappointed. Confused.
And then, I experience moments like this where I am blown away by the gifts and abilities God has blessed him with. And how I am blessed to be charged with caring for him while he is here with me. I believe it was God who took this moment to remind me that my child is not perfect. He is flawed, and he will stumble, much like every single one of us will. But he is gifted. And he is a blessing. In the middle of the ADHD chaos, I don’t always remind myself of that.
As a single mother, there were lots of times that I felt like I was failing him. I still do. I was foolish to believe that medication would be the band-aid to apply to our school problems. I struggle with continuing at times to repeat myself, to trying to bring him down from some of the behavior he attempts to display at times, to reminding myself that he is a 9-year-old boy. He is young. The medication seems to be doing what it needs to reign him in sometimes, but we have explored the option of behavioral therapy this summer to see if that will help with some of the impulse control. I have to remind myself to trust God in the plans He has for us, and for James. I have to be an advocate for him where others aren’t, whether that means pushing for assistance from the schools, researching for other medication or supplement options, or trying to be a champion for him at home. I have to reach out to the people who lead and guide him, and touch base with them on what works and what doesn’t. I’ve also read loads of material about how to work on increasing or improving his executive function, which is apparently an area where ADHD patients lack.
It can be a struggle to realize that you may need to adjust your parenting mirror to help fit the needs of your child on an individual level. What works for one may not work for the other. If you are experiencing an obstacle with your own children, let me encourage you. God picked YOU to be their mother. Which means you have all the qualifications He was looking for when He picked you out. You may not always feel like you measure up to it, but He knew those children needed YOU. Look to Him to help guide you through times like this.
