Lord, I Need You

Without You, I fall apart

You're the One that guides my heart

There was a screaming match at my house at some point last week. If you're new here, my son has ADHD. He also has problems with focus and concentration at school. He is also a gifted artist who won first place for his age group in a Youth Art show over the summer. So, it comes as no surprise to me that one of his bigger issues at school is being distracted not because of his ADHD but because he wants to spend his class time drawing. When he should be working.

Homework is also a struggle. I've read a million different professional websites that offered information on how children with ADHD struggle with homework due to over-stimulation at school. Some teachers have been really gracious about it being turned it late, made up when I realized it wasn't completed, and some teachers have not. I'm not here to bash on a teacher. That is a profession I feel is made up of heroes, because sometimes I can't deal with my own children so I find it hard to imagine that I could deal with all class full. All day long. Five days a week. Hard pass. 

I'm getting away from the point of it all. 

I can't even remember how the conversation started. But as they usually do, it turns into frustration from the 13-year-old that leads to defiance or straight out disobedience that results in extreme measures from me to gain control of the situation and parent the only way that seems to get the attention of The Boy. 

I will spare you the details of the screaming match itself, because while I'm highly ashamed of myself for allowing him to engage me in all the shouting......I did engage. And I wholeheartedly can admit that sometimes there is a deficit in my knowledge of what it takes to be the perfect mother. #Sarcasm

I am sitting across the table from The Boy who is by all means having a total come apart. Mom has just successfully shut down his Nintendo Switch to get his attention after also locking him out of the Chromebook so he can't sneak on and play video games. It's not the video games I take issue with. It's that I know with every fiber of my being that this kid is inconceivably intelligent. And I'm not just saying that because I'm his mother. His test scores show it. The fact that I've witnessed him draw something just by looking at it should speak volumes itself. 

I'm quiet as I am watching this come apart unfold. I'm trying to get my bearings and let go of the anger and frustration I'm feeling myself. I never spoke the words into existence but I heard them. Lord, I need You. 

I need Him because I couldn't do this on my own. Truth is, I'm not able to do anything on my own. And that doesn't make me weak. It means I've realized that I know when I need my Heavenly Father to step in and help me make it right.

"James."

He won't look at me. Not yet.

"James?" 

I see him looking over the top of his glasses at me. His cheeks are all red and wet and he has his hands tied up in his hair. 

He had made some declarations about himself in his tirade when he was really mad. 

I can't do anything right!

Nothing I do is good enough!

You think I'm smart, but I'm not!

My teachers hate me!

I SHOULD JUST FAIL!

"James, I know you think that you can't do this," I tell him, "But I know you can. You're so smart, and so talented, and I know you have it in you to succeed."

He's really quiet. If you know him well, that's unusual. 

"You may be mad at me right now, and that's okay. But I'm not going to let you fail, James. I want what's best for you, and I know you can do it."

He looks up. "God gave you me as a mom because He thought I could do it. I love you, and I'm not going to fail at that job."

He's crying again but his shoulders softened.

Now I'm crying. Not just because we've had this moment or because he's quieted down now.

Because I'm guilty of doing this exact same thing to the Heavenly Father I called on to see me through this mess. How many times has He led me to do something and I immediately disqualify myself? I'll fail at it. I just know it. 

Teach Sunday School? God, there has to be somebody more qualified than me. There has to be somebody more mature in their spiritual walk. 

God said He picked me to teach Sunday School so he could mature me in my spiritual walk. 

Raise two kids by myself with little to no support from their dad? Couldn't be me. I'm too weak.

God said He knew how this would go even before I trusted Him to be my strength through it all.

Oh, to know the love of a God who will not only give me the words to speak to the heart of my sweet boy that I will not let him fail because I love him too much. But that same God will prick my heart with the notion that I shouldn't discount Him and His abilities to use me so He will be seen and glorified through all of it. 

So teach my song to rise to You

when temptation comes my way

When I cannot stand, I'll fall on You

Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, Oh, I need You

Every hour I need You

My one defense, my righteousness,

Oh God, how I need YOU. 

Come to the Table

 

I am not a perfect mother.

There. I said it.

I've heard the first step is acceptance.

I learned a long time ago that even when I make a mistake, I don't have to beat myself up about it. Even though I tend to. 

I don't need to because I have two other sets of eyes watching me every single day. And they are growing and learning and following my example. They need to see those mistakes. They need to know it's okay to make mistakes as long as we hold ourselves accountable and learn from them. 

I am not a perfect mother. I mess up all the time. In fact, sometimes I'm even surprised when I feel like I'm getting it right. But there are moments. Special, God-filled moments when I feel like He has equipped me to raise the two most precious gifts this side of heaven that He has ever given me. 

So, I'm sitting at the table one Saturday afternoon with the almost -13-year-old. He has the Chromebook because he's catching up on some homework assignments. 

Across the table from him is a hot mess. Not me, so stop laughing right now. I can hear you!

There is a Penton Farms strawberry picking bucket loaded down with colored pencils and markers of every color you could possibly imagine. A plastic container with a matching lid holding washi tape, gel pens, tape, both Elmer's glue and a glue stick, Bible safe gel highlighters, post it notes, and odd ball pieces of scrapbook paper.

There's also a Believer's Commentary Book, my brand new leather soft Bible and its cool blue tabs, and a very pretty notebook  War Binder that appears to be getting thicker with each passing day.

A few weeks before we finished Experiencing God at church, I committed to reading through the Bible. 

I decided once I started that I'm not limiting myself to a year because it could take longer. And I want to understand what I'm reading and how I can apply it my life. So I've been faithfully getting up early or setting aside time before leaving for work (or going to bed) to read through a chapter or two of the Bible and then to write prayers down in my prayer journal War Binder.

So I've spread everything out on this afternoon to work through a section of chapters in the Bible that day. And every once in a while I will glance up and catch the almost-13-year-old looking at me. It eventually resulted in a question.

His eyes wide, he says: "Are you gonna ready that entire thing?"

The Believer's commentary I found on Amazon is HUGE, y'all. So I put my hand on it.

"This?"

He shook his head, "The Bible."

I've committed to read the Bible through the year several years in a row and I've never been able to do it from start to finish. I always get lost in the animal sacrifices or the so-and-so begat so-and-so and wander off into the land of distraction and business. But this is God's Word. This is his love letter to US. 

"You know, I've tried to read it almost every year and I never finish it. Some people read it from January to December. Some people read it every single year. But I don't want to just read the words," I told him, "I want to understand what God is saying. I want to know what it means and how I can use it in my life. Even if it takes me longer than a year."

His eyes were still so wide. 

So I told him something that I'd learned that day about Abraham and Sarah.

"Did you know that the name Isaac literally means laughter?"

We laughed.

"So when Sarah said in Genesis 21 that 'God has brought me laughter' she was talking about God bringing her Isaac when she thought she was too old to have any children." 

He said he didn't know that either. So I told him if God could bring Sarah and Abraham a baby when she felt like she was too old to have children, then maybe today for us that means that there is nothing that God can't do. 

God can do great things. 

He can take this single mama who is beginning to truly understand His love and pursuit of her with a heart's desire to know Him more. He can put me at the table with my almost-13-year-old son who butt heads so much over moods and distractions and school behavior and rules and electronics. A mother and son who love each other so much through the struggle of understanding what is right and what is wrong, what is acceptable and what is not. 

I don't want him or his sister to ever think like I used to, that trying to read and study God's word means we just give up if we don't get it right the first time. That is not the example of faith I want to be for my children. And I want them to know that success doesn't just come with reading God's Word: it's just as important to understand what we are reading and how it applies to us. 

What a sweet, God-filled moment at the table between mother and child. I'm not always going to get it right. So I'm super thankful to trust the God who can work through me to be an example for my children.

God can do great things. There's nothing my God can't do.

Grace in the Little Things

 

Do you know what grace is? In the big, grand scheme of things it is what Jesus did for us on the cross. We didn't do anything to deserve it. We didn't do anything to earn it. But Jesus did it anyway. Ephesians 2:8-9 tells us:

We don't deserve eternity in Heaven with the Father. We didn't do anything to deserve it. We didn't do anything to earn it. And yet, He sent his Son to die for the sins of the world so that we might come to know Him. To me, that's grace in the big things. 

Today I want to share about grace in the little things. 

Because I saw grace in the little things today.

If you go back to some of my older posts, you'll know that my goal for 2022 is "More of God".

It's not a catchphrase. It's not a slogan I'm wearing like a banner over my head. 

I want to learn more about God, to deepen my relationship with Him, to study His Word more, to learn more about who I am in Him. We are close to the end of my journey through Experiencing God and I have learned so much not just about God but about the type of personal relationship I need to have with Him. Because Experiencing God is teaching me that that's where it all starts. How will I hear His voice if I'm not in close, personal relationship with Him? How will I know His heart? How will I best serve Him and share Him if I don't know His plans because our relationship is not what it should be? 

I've been journaling throughout Experiencing God. But most of my journaling has been in response to the three questions posed at the end of each day of the weekly studies. So I want to begin a prayer journal. And only God could've led me to Faith Womack's Youtube Channel yesterday. She had some amazing prayer journal suggestions and tips and even some resources on inexpensive supplies to help build on your prayer journal. 

HANG ON.

This year I felt started off strong. I was going to do the Bible Recap with Tara Leigh Cobble and even go through the Bible Recap study guides available to me through my church. Somewhere in late February or early March I fell off. Again. This happens each year I make an attempt to read through the Bible. I just can't find a plan that suits me. I can't find a plan that I can faithfully stick to. And if I want more of God this year, isn't really getting into His Word one of the best ways?!

A conversation with a dear church friend a few weeks ago made me think that falling off the wagon didn't have to be viewed as failure on my part. Surely, God doesn't really care if my Bible reading starts January 1st and ends on December 31st! So I made the commitment that I would give it another shot this year. If my goal is to read the Bible through the year then that goal doesn't have to be the same as everyone else's. Now it's time to find a plan that works for me.

Let's go back to Faith Womack now. I explored several of her prayer journal videos. Some of her Bible journaling videos. Some videos about Bible commentaries. Then I found the video on her Grace Bible Reading Plan (this link will take you to her reading plan itself). I didn't recall her mentioning in the video if it was a 365 day reading plan, just that she had created her own Bible reading plan. I did really like the idea that she combines books that she feels will compliment and/or contrast each other throughout her reading plan. So I bought it. I downloaded it. And I printed it off. 

Across the top it says: 270 DAY BIBLE READING PLAN. 

Right below that it says: THE GRACE PLAN: THERE'S ROOM FOR GRACE IN THIS SCHEDULE. 

I thought it was interesting. 270 days? How long would that take me if I read faithfully each day? 

So I was curious. I pulled up Google. I typed into the search bar: "What day of the year is it?"

Today Tuesday, April 5, 2022 is ...

Day 95

Day of the year is a number between 1 and 365 (in 2022), January 1 is day 1.
After today 270 days are remaining in this year.

If you don't see what I see, I want you to study the image really hard. I want you to really let it sink in. Do you see it? In case you don't, let me show you. Today is April 5, 2022. It is the 95th day of the year. 

After today 270 days are remaining in this year.

I'm tearing up right now just reading that again. Because when I saw it the first time, I felt God whisper to my heart: My child, you have not failed me. I was determined to love you. I pursued you. My greatest desire is a love relationship with you. I know your heart. I know that you have been reminding yourself of My love and pursuit of you on a daily basis. I am with you.

Faith Womack's Grace Bible Reading Plan is a 270 day plan. So even though I fell off after a few months into the year, her plan allows me time to still complete reading the Bible through the year. There's no way Faith Womack could've known any of that or that I could until I downloaded the reading plan. It was God. 

That's God's grace for me in the little things. He knows my heart and that I want to read the Bible this year. He knows that even when I messed up the beginning of the year that I wanted to start over. And today He gave me the grace to do that. 

Don't just look for God's grace in the big things. Look for His hand at work in the little things too. 

Does Anybody Have a Map?!

 

{ Sidenote: if you're new here you should check out my pre-Christmas blog about putting God in the backseat and how I felt led to experience more of Him this year. } 

I apologize in advance to any fans of Dear Evan Hansen who may have stumbled upon this blog completely by mistake - my blog has nothing to do with Dear Evan Hansen or that catchy mom-inspired song from the musical that I've simply used as the title for this eye-opening first encountered of Day One of Week One of The Experiencing God Bible Study by Henry Blackaby. I've done a handful of Bible studies since I became a believer in 2006, but I don't recall a single one that had me ugly crying on day one. There was ugly crying after the initial pulling back of my legs to avoid more of the toes in my comfy ankle boots being stepped on. So now that I've dried my eyes and my toes are no longer throbbing....let me tell you what happened. 

The message [ I don't want to use the word "title" in here because I feel that just doesn't get the point across. This is a Bible study and I feel like message is a more fitting word to describe the point the author was trying to get across to his readers ] of Day One is Jesus is The Way.

Alright, stop. (who heard the tune to "Ice, Ice Baby" start when I said that? You are my PEOPLE!)

Blackaby dives right into Day One with some real truth. Jesus is our map. Which is really really difficult to digest for this majorly left-brained single mama like me. It's not about believing who Jesus is or that He died so my sin slate would be wiped clean. It has more to do with the fact that as a majorly left-brained single mama, I'm a planner. 

Real talk? Just about everything in my little family's life is planned by me. Vacations, appointments, activities, schedules.....I could keep going but I think you get the point. I have a paper planner that I carry with me because I don't trust digital applications not to fail me. Our meal planning is done on a monthly calendar that I print and put on the fridge (not that my kids pay attention to it, I'm just a little obsessed with using a Sharpie to mark off each meal as it gets made like it matters where we are on the calendar - we have food to eat!). 

Planning is pretty much second nature. It comes with the territory I guess? Some kind of silly little notion that planning gives me some sense of control in life that I'm sure stems from childhood trauma. So imagine how easy it can be for me to throw what has become almost an unconscious habit at Jesus. 

Blackaby gets real here. Where in scripture does it ever tell us that Jesus would give us the roadmap to our lives? Where does it tell us that we get clued into the details and plans that God has for our lives? 

It does not.

That's right. And I bet you're asking yourself "Well then, what does the Bible say??" The Bible says THIS: 

Blackaby tells us that while we might want to ask for a roadmap and all the plans and directions, and we just want God to tell us where we are heading, He says: "Just follow me. One day at a time."

John 14:6 does not say "I'll show you the way" OR "I'll give you the roadmap" or even "I'll tell you which direction to go". It simply says: "I am the way."

JESUS is the way. JESUS is our map. 

So why am I ugly crying and pulling back my aching toes? Because when Blackaby goes on to mention Abram in Genesis 12:1-5 and his immediate response to God's instruction to "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you."

Abram got up AND WENT.

He didn't ask questions. He didn't question God about what land or why he couldn't hang out with his family a few more days, or what this new place would be like. 

Abram got up AND WENT.

And then a question in the Bible study that required you to indicate one of four options as an answer: Are you ready to follow God's will that way?

So I checked my heart and then I checked my answer. I bubbled in the little box next to the option of: I'm not sure. 

And I can say honestly without a doubt that I knew I was going to mark that answer before I even picked up my pen. Because the truth is, I'm always asking God for the roadmap. Or an outline. Or at least some details on the plans for my life. 

And that's when I tucked my legs in a little bit and the ugly crying started. It was the realization that I believe that Jesus died for me, I worship a God who loved me enough to send His son to die that agonizing death, but there has always been an inclination (did you see my last post?) to put God in the backseat and ask Him to pass me the roadmap.

I'm  human, y'all. And I'm going to make mistakes. I truly believe that God is using this season of my life to grow me and teach me how to be faithful and trust Him fully. And I am certain He used day one of Henry Blackaby's Bible study to do just that.

There are three questions at the end of each daily lesson to reflect on:

1. What was the most meaningful statement or scripture you read today?

2. Reword the statement or scripture into a prayer of response to God. 

3. What does God want you to do in response to today's study?

It is not my intention to share all of my answers to those questions here because I want to share them in my small group on Sunday evening. But my biggest takeaway from the lesson is probably just where Blackaby was going when he wrote it:

I feel like the need to understand that and put it into practice will help guide me throughout the rest of this study. How am I allowing God to lead my life and be my way if I'm always putting Him in the backseat and asking Him to pass me the map? 

I need to be able to faithfully trust God with the plans He has for my life without a need for the roadmap or outline or seeing the plans He may have. I need to be able to follow Him one day at a time and know that even if I don't know what the plan is that I worship a God who always has a plan and a purpose for my life. 

I'm excited to see where the rest of this road will take me. Stick around and maybe I'll share some more.