Lord, I Need You

Without You, I fall apart

You're the One that guides my heart

There was a screaming match at my house at some point last week. If you're new here, my son has ADHD. He also has problems with focus and concentration at school. He is also a gifted artist who won first place for his age group in a Youth Art show over the summer. So, it comes as no surprise to me that one of his bigger issues at school is being distracted not because of his ADHD but because he wants to spend his class time drawing. When he should be working.

Homework is also a struggle. I've read a million different professional websites that offered information on how children with ADHD struggle with homework due to over-stimulation at school. Some teachers have been really gracious about it being turned it late, made up when I realized it wasn't completed, and some teachers have not. I'm not here to bash on a teacher. That is a profession I feel is made up of heroes, because sometimes I can't deal with my own children so I find it hard to imagine that I could deal with all class full. All day long. Five days a week. Hard pass. 

I'm getting away from the point of it all. 

I can't even remember how the conversation started. But as they usually do, it turns into frustration from the 13-year-old that leads to defiance or straight out disobedience that results in extreme measures from me to gain control of the situation and parent the only way that seems to get the attention of The Boy. 

I will spare you the details of the screaming match itself, because while I'm highly ashamed of myself for allowing him to engage me in all the shouting......I did engage. And I wholeheartedly can admit that sometimes there is a deficit in my knowledge of what it takes to be the perfect mother. #Sarcasm

I am sitting across the table from The Boy who is by all means having a total come apart. Mom has just successfully shut down his Nintendo Switch to get his attention after also locking him out of the Chromebook so he can't sneak on and play video games. It's not the video games I take issue with. It's that I know with every fiber of my being that this kid is inconceivably intelligent. And I'm not just saying that because I'm his mother. His test scores show it. The fact that I've witnessed him draw something just by looking at it should speak volumes itself. 

I'm quiet as I am watching this come apart unfold. I'm trying to get my bearings and let go of the anger and frustration I'm feeling myself. I never spoke the words into existence but I heard them. Lord, I need You. 

I need Him because I couldn't do this on my own. Truth is, I'm not able to do anything on my own. And that doesn't make me weak. It means I've realized that I know when I need my Heavenly Father to step in and help me make it right.

"James."

He won't look at me. Not yet.

"James?" 

I see him looking over the top of his glasses at me. His cheeks are all red and wet and he has his hands tied up in his hair. 

He had made some declarations about himself in his tirade when he was really mad. 

I can't do anything right!

Nothing I do is good enough!

You think I'm smart, but I'm not!

My teachers hate me!

I SHOULD JUST FAIL!

"James, I know you think that you can't do this," I tell him, "But I know you can. You're so smart, and so talented, and I know you have it in you to succeed."

He's really quiet. If you know him well, that's unusual. 

"You may be mad at me right now, and that's okay. But I'm not going to let you fail, James. I want what's best for you, and I know you can do it."

He looks up. "God gave you me as a mom because He thought I could do it. I love you, and I'm not going to fail at that job."

He's crying again but his shoulders softened.

Now I'm crying. Not just because we've had this moment or because he's quieted down now.

Because I'm guilty of doing this exact same thing to the Heavenly Father I called on to see me through this mess. How many times has He led me to do something and I immediately disqualify myself? I'll fail at it. I just know it. 

Teach Sunday School? God, there has to be somebody more qualified than me. There has to be somebody more mature in their spiritual walk. 

God said He picked me to teach Sunday School so he could mature me in my spiritual walk. 

Raise two kids by myself with little to no support from their dad? Couldn't be me. I'm too weak.

God said He knew how this would go even before I trusted Him to be my strength through it all.

Oh, to know the love of a God who will not only give me the words to speak to the heart of my sweet boy that I will not let him fail because I love him too much. But that same God will prick my heart with the notion that I shouldn't discount Him and His abilities to use me so He will be seen and glorified through all of it. 

So teach my song to rise to You

when temptation comes my way

When I cannot stand, I'll fall on You

Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, Oh, I need You

Every hour I need You

My one defense, my righteousness,

Oh God, how I need YOU.