Story of a Runaway

You know those moments in life when you think something happens by accident, by coincidence, or just randomness?

Nothing in life is by accident.

Nothing in life is a coincidence.

And there is nothing random about life.

That is God. 

My mind has been swirling this morning. Why? It has something to do with the Bible study I'm currently involved in. It has something to do with the timing of my pastor's sermons and the subject matter he's been preaching about from the pulpit each week. That something is called the Holy Spirit. It is God speaking to me through His word and through interactions and encounters with other people. 

This Bible study is by Priscilla Shirer and we just recently finished week four. 

In week four, one thing she asked of us was to research the names of God and to find one that called out to us. In my research I found one that took me back to the day I signed papers that would ultimately see the end of my marriage. I had believed for months that God had been silent during one of the most difficult times in my life. I remember driving away from the mediator's office and K-LOVE was on the radio. I was already crying by the time I drove out of the parking lot. And there was the voice of Ravi Zacharias reciting Joshua 1:9: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous, for the Lord your God, is with you wherever you go." 

I had to pull the car over. Prior to that I remember praying over and over that God would reveal Himself to me. I felt so unbelievably alone through the whole ordeal. And on the day that I would sign those papers and resolve to end my marriage, God sent a reminder that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

God is always there. God has always been there. So when Priscilla Shirer's bible study led me to research the names of God, I found one that spoke to me in a way that no other name did. Jehovah Shammah. It comes from the book of Ezekiel, and it means The Lord is There. It also references Psalm 139:7-12 and one link included a morning meditation or prayer:

God, I am never alone because you promised to be present in every situation with me. You never leave me or forsake me.

Yesterday morning our pastor made reference to Psalm 139:7. I knew right away it wasn't a coincidence. 

It was God. 

I was saved at the age of twenty eight. My daughter was just six months old. The short and sweet version of my testimony is after witnessing a physical recreation of the life and death of Jesus, I thought of the sweetest little girl safe at home in her crib and how what Jesus did for me is what I would be willing to do for her. I would be willing to lay down my life in the name of love. 

And somewhere in the sixteen years since I prayed the sinner's prayer and was baptized in front of our church, I realized that I've been keeping God in a box. I've answered calls to go on missions, I've been actively involved in our praise team, I've even recently started teaching Sunday School. But I've continued to keep God in this safe little box where I felt like I could call the shots. 

This goes back way too long for me to recount every single instance in life where I could show you why men can't be trusted. At least that's what I've always believed. Why? Because every single man in my life who should have or did play an important role had been facing his own demons. Sometimes, this was at the expense of our relationship. Other times it would lead to emotional scars that would take years before I would be able to heal. That is the harsh reality of what has been my life since birth. 

I realize now that they were facing their own demons and I can acknowledge that but acceptance has been a very long and trying road. Because in the struggles I faced and insecurities I struggled with, there were always doubts about my worth. There were lingering feelings of shame and guilt. There was pride that would cause me to believe I was blameless in the dissolution of my marriage. The reality is that I could have handle so many things better. I could have extended more grace and forgiveness. 

Questioning my worth and the insecurities I have faced with the men who played important roles in my life have caused me to doubt a God who would send His Son to die on a cross for me. That He would pursue a relationship with me. That His love is not earned. It is freely given without any strings attached. 

God pursues us. He wants relationship with us. His love has no conditions. It can't be earned or bought or even taken away. I am worth something to God. He wants a relationship with me because he loves me.

It's time to take God out of the box that I've been keeping Him in. It's time to stop holding Him at arm's length. Because He is not the image of the sinful and imperfect men in my life who have hurt me. I've spent entirely too long believing in and praying to and following but not in accepting. 

Accepting the pursuit of a Heavenly Father who wants me to cling to Him and come to Him when I am in need. When I am tired. When I need rest. He is my Jehovah Shammah. He has been present in every single moment of my life. And even at my worst He pursues me. 

It wasn't a coincidence that a Casting Crowns song was on WAY FM this morning as I'm driving to work trying to process all of this. 

It was God.

You didn't wait for me

To find my way to You

I couldn't cross that distance even if I wanted to.

You came running after me

When anybody else would've turned and left me at my worst

Love moved first.